


He Told Me He Loved Me

by the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Confessions, Crying, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27546127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser/pseuds/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser
Summary: Dean finally tells Sam what happened when Castiel... sacrificed himself for them. For Dean. He admits for the first time that he felt the same way.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 135





	He Told Me He Loved Me

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't angst, it's a fix-it
> 
> because FUCK THE WRITERS

_He told me he loved me. He told me he loved me. He told me he loved me, he told me he loved me, he told me he loved me-_

"He told me he loved me."

Sam paused from polishing his gun in the passenger seat. Streetlights passed, illuminating the car for brief periods of time. The glint off Sam's gun made Dean reach over and bat it out of his line of sight. Sam looked at him, confused. 

"I- okay. Uh... _who_ told you they loved you?" 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't mean to say that out loud. 

It had been three months since Cas sacrificed himself for Dean. Three months since Jack became 'God.'

"Cas," Dean said quietly. 

"Oh," Sam hummed. "And... uh, sorry, but that's new to you?" 

Dean slammed his hand against the steering wheel. 

"He- Cas went on this flippin' _love_ monologue!" 

"Uh-" 

"He said that I changed him! That I- I was the reason he loved the earth, or something! And he said- he said that the Empty was going to take him when he felt a moment of pure happiness, but he said he's only wanted one thing, but that he couldn't have it-" 

Dean shut his mouth, his eyes stinging. His voice broke as he said, "And he told me he loved me." 

"Dean, I'm so sorry..." 

"Do you think-" He sobbed. Covering his mouth with his hand that wasn't on the wheel, he kept his eyes on the road. "Do you think that _I_ was what- what he could never have?" 

Sam cleared his throat. "Yeah, Dean," he whispered. "I think he was talking about you." 

He didn't know what possessed him to do what he did next, but he slammed on the brakes. Sam caught himself on the dashboard with his hands. It went quiet. Dean's head was reeling. He couldn't breathe. Oh. Sam was talking. 

"Dean, I need you to take a breath-" 

"HE COULD'VE HAD ME!" Dean hit the wheel weakly. "Sam, he could've had me, he could've had me... why didn't he say anything? He could've had me!" 

"He didn't know you felt the same way," Sam said quietly. 

"I didn't know he did!" Dean yelled. "And now he's gone! He's gone and I can't tell him how I feel! Sam, I've loved him for years! Fucking _years!_ I-" 

Sam pulled him into a tight hug. At first, Dean wanted to pull away, to push away his feelings, but as soon as the thought occurred, he burst into hysterical, uncontrollable sobs. 

"Jack is God!" he yelled into Sam's shoulder. "Jack is God, why can't he bring Cas back?!" 

"I don't know." 

"He brought back Eileen! Bobby, Charlie, everyone! WHY NOT _HIM?!_ " 

Sam was shaking. He was crying, too. 

"I don't know." 

"What do we do?" Dean asked angrily, pulling away from him. "Do we pray? Can we call him? I-" 

"I don't think there's anything we can do." 

"Screw that!" Dean yelled. "We're the freakin' Winchesters! We defeated God and like, five other apocalypses. I'm sorry, but that's bullcrap! Of course there's something we can do!" 

The look on Sam's face was pity and devastation. Dean had to look away, furiously wiping his tears. 

"I'm going to get him back." 

"Dean..." 

"I-" Dean's voice broke. "I have to get him back. I _have_ to." 

"Okay." 

"Call Bobby," he said senselessly. "Right now, call Bobby." 

"Dean-" 

"Please." He looked at his brother, tears shining in his eyes. "Please, Sam, _please_ call Bobby." 

Sam nodded and pulled out his phone. Dean started Baby back up and started driving again. 

"Hey, Bobby," he said. "Yeah, we're good. Uh..." Dean knew that Sam was looking at him, but he kept his gaze pointedly ahead, the tears reflecting the streetlights and making crazy colors in his eyes. "Yeah, we have a question. How do we get into the Empty? Yeah, like the _Empty_ Empty. No, Bobby, we aren't angels. Or- yeah, or demons. Yeah, we're completely human. But is there some way we can get there? Get someone back?" 

Sam's volume was turned up just enough for Dean to hear Bobby ask, "Cas? You're trying to get Cas back?" 

He had to close his eyes for a second as Sam said, "Yeah. We... we've got to try." 

\---

They got back to the bunker with Bobby's promise that he was going to look into it. Sam tried to talk to him, but Dean ignored him, went to the kitchen, got a bottle of scotch, drank the whole thing in the shower, yelled at nothing, at everything, at Cas, at Jack, at Chuck, at the universe. 

"WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING HIM _BACK?"_

And then he punched a wall and passed out. 

When he woke up, he felt fine. No hangover, no broken knuckles (he was sure he broke three last night; there was still broken tile on the floor and a shallow hole in the wall), and an open door. Why was his door open? Dean got up, confused, and walked out. No one was there. 

So he went to the bathroom and went to the kitchen, holding the empty bottle of booze, which crashed to the floor when he saw Cas sitting at the table, his hands around a cup of untouched steaming coffee. Cas looked up as soon as the bottle crashed and stood up quickly when he saw Dean. 

"Dean." 

"Cas," Dean said carefully, his throat already hurting. 

"Jack came and got me," Cas explained quickly. "He said that you were... angry. That you were yelling at him. Dean, you really shouldn't scream at him, he's just a kid-" 

"Cas," he said again, his voice breaking. He made to move, but Cas held up a hand. 

"Hold on, you'll hurt yourself." 

Dean watched in awe and disbelief as Cas picked up the broom and started sweeping around him, taking extra care to see if there was any glass on Dean's feet that would hurt him. Finally, Cas put away the broom. 

"Look, about what I said-" 

"You- you said you _loved_ me." 

Cas sighed. "And- I'm not going to say it's not true. It is. But if you're uncomfortable with that, I- I can leave. O-or we don't have to talk about it." 

His voice was careful, emotionless, like Dean's, which made Dean jab his finger into Cas's chest. 

"You left. You _sacrificed_ yourself for me." 

"Yes, Dean, I-" 

"You pushed me away and your _bloody_ freaking _handprint_ on my left _freakin' shoulder,_ where you marked me when you pulled me out of Hell-" 

"That was unintentional, I swear-" 

"And you didn't even give me a chance to say anything!" 

"I didn't think you had anything to say!" 

"Of course I had something to say! You can't just go on a _love monologue_ and expect me to not have anything to say!" 

"Dean," Cas said quietly, "I just wanted you to know. I can leave-" 

"Is it me?" Dean interrupted, his tears coming back. Cas cocked his head, which made Dean's heart stutter in his chest. 

"What do you mean?" he asked. 

"You said there was something you couldn't have," Dean said shakily. "Was it me?" 

Cas sighed. "Yes. Yes, it's you. But I understand that you-" 

"You could've had me," Dean hissed. "For years _you could've had me._ I _love_ you, Cas!" 

Cas's jaw dropped. "Dean-" 

"No! Now it's my turn for a love monologue! Cas, I've loved you for years! Even- even when you betrayed me, I didn't care, because _goddamnit,_ I love you! I didn't think you felt the same way! And you- you were always so _high and mighty_ when you figured out people's emotions, so I thought you figured me out! Because I sure as hell wasn't subtle! I've never been subtle with you, Cas! _Never._ And you always come back in your adorable crooked tie and that stupid trench coat!" 

Cas's pupils were blown wide and his mouth was open. 

"And you know what else?" Dean laughed, stepping into Cas's space. "I never minded your lack of personal space! I never minded you watching me sleep! Do you know how hard it is to see your stupid face and want to look at it forever? To go with you _everywhere you go?_ to never leave your side? Because-" 

"Yeah, I do know," Cas whispered, which quieted all thoughts in Dean's mind. 

"I'm going to kiss you," Dean blurted out, surprising himself. To his even _more_ surprise, a tear fell down Cas's cheek and he fucking _broke._

"Please," he whispered, which shattered Dean's heart. 

Dean found himself grabbing Cas's face, slotting their lips together and- _oh._

He had thought about this for years. _Years._ Over a decade. And it was better than he had ever thought was possible. Cas was suddenly taking control. His hands were in Dean's hair and he was pulling, making Dean groan in surprise and his knees felt weak. Cas's tongue in his mouth, his hands in his hair, pressed flush to his body, he-

"Hey, Cas!" 

They broke away from each other suddenly, panting, to see Sam and Eileen standing there, arm in arm, grinning. 

"It's nice to see you again," Eileen said as Dean anxiously swiped his mouth. Cas, on the other hand, licked his lips with a dark look in his eyes, which made Dean's stomach drop. 

"Yeah, you too," Cas said, his voice deeper than usual, which was the last straw for Dean. He grabbed Cas's arm and pulled him out of the kitchen, past Sam and Eileen, yelling, 

"You should put on some music because this is _not_ going to be quiet!" 

**Author's Note:**

> short and angry, like me, but i am also above average height but I am still short and angry


End file.
